rip her to shreds (prezzubbie) wrote in partners_of_ftm,
rip her to shreds


My name is Zoe, i'm 21 years old and i've been dating my ftm fiance kendon for about 3 years now.
when we met he was pre everything (and still is) and in the closet to everyone but myself and two other close friends. it's never really bothered me besides having to deal with dysphoria outbursts about once a week. when i say deal with, i don't mean for it to sound like it's his fault or anything. I really understand it, it just happens at really unfortunate times and makes me feel really helpless because there's not much i can do besides hug him (which he hates when he's upset). i have always been here for him and was always there for her before i knew of this impending transition.

i feel like without me, he would still be stuck in the same water-treading spot he had been in all his life. That sounds awful but i actually kind of forced therapy upon him -- his motto was always "it's impossible" "it's too expensive" "i don't have time" etc. so i took it upon myself to locate a few therapist options and call and make appointments for him to kind of nudge this along. i even took it upon myself to pay for sessions when he couldn't afford it that week. the first therapist he saw about a year ago, but it didn't really work out. she was distant and relatively useless, but cheap. he stopped seeing her after like 3 sessions and another 10 months or so went by of intense dysphoria and days where he would tell me he wished we weren't alive. then we found his current therapist, who has since written his testosterone letter. he has an appointment with a naturopathic endocrinologist next week.

all of this is well and good. he is the happiest i've ever seen him. and i am completely, utterly miserable. i work two part-time jobs in the mall averaging about 35 hours a week and attend university full-time. i have zero real friends. my last best friend completely betrayed me and for some reason i just find myself feeling completely antisocial. yet i crave companionship and understanding. things have been going a very different direction for him. he recently came out to his parents (who kind of ignore the subject but haven't disowned him or anything), his coworkers (including his transphobic boss who actually came around to it) and two of which have recently become his best friends. he is so thrilled to have friends who accept him, which he never thought he'd have. except i feel forgotten. i was always there for him. even before we dated i embraced this person fully. he gets so excited being called he by them, and yet i refer to him as my boyfriend, my hubby, call him he, refer to our sexual activities in heterosexual manners (although i consider myself at least 85% lesbian) and advocate for him to my own family (who is really accepting).

since i've been working so much i am rarely home, and when i am all i want to do is relax, cuddle, watch tv, but often he is out partying with his new friends, having fun, leaving me home by myself and really upset. i know i should be happy for him, and i am. i really really am. i was always there. i saw him at his worst and loved him through it and i wouldn't change him. i just wish he would see how much i've put into our relationship. i wish he WANTED to stay at home and cuddle me. i wish that when i refer to him as masculine and tell him he's so handsome and studly that it made him as happy as when his coworker refers to him as "Bro". but for some reason, it's pretty invisible.

last night we got into a bit of a fight. it started out okay, me assuring him that i rejoice in his happiness but that i'm lonely. and then out of nowhere he brought up a night a month or so ago that i avoided having him meet my new coworkers. at one job, he is out to all my coworkers who are thoroughly supportive. at my other, larger retail job all they know about him is pretty much that he is a cis-gendered male who is engaged to me. it's not even that i don't want them to meet him, that's all fine and dandy. i just like the invisibility of being "straight" at a 99% female work environment. i feel like they judge me all the time, and i'd rather stay under the radar as much as possible. understandably, this hurt him. he came at me like "you have to know that for the rest of your life you're going to be married to a transguy"... like i don't already know that. i asked him if he were to pass constantly if he would ever tell anyone... and he said it doesn't matter. so then why does it matter to him that he is viewed as a biomale at my workplace? and why did he hold a grudge against me for it? he ended up sleeping on the couch, and i ended up staying up all night crying. then today, i had to leave for classes early in the morning. when i came home i found a letter:
i don't have to tell you how hard discovering myself has been on me, you were there. i dont have to tell you how many nights all i wanted was to close my eyes and never wake up, you were there. why do i feel like i do have to tell you how happy i am, how much i do want to wake up every morning? aren't you here? don't you want to be a part of this? it feels like you dont. one comment from a friend reassuring me that i am accepted, i am loved and i am not judged can make everything else fall to the wayside. yet when i come home i feel judged for wanting that. i feel punished for getting it. i understand that this is hard on you and i am so sorry i put you through this. but you were right... i can't always look to you for support. i cant look to my friends. i have to look to myself. it is being out that has given me the confidence to realize i am my own support. i am okay with myself. i love myself. i need to figure out myself. i will be staying elsewhere for a couple nights. maybe my moms, maybe my friends. i know they have midterms and right now isnt the best time. i just need to breathe some fresh air. i need to figure out what i need. i still love you very much, you know that. nothing will ever change that. i hope you can support me in all that i am and all that i will be, as you always have. always, your ken. ps. you will always be my best friend, my biggest cheerleader, and the person i am most grateful for. know that. i love you"

i haven't stopped crying since. i just wish he would have acted like he is grateful for me. ask me how i am. tell me he misses me and loves me. and he does... but more often he's not there when i get home. or if he is, i tell him about my day but he nods his head ignorantly, more focused on his trans-oriented tumblr or youtube stuff on the computer.

i'm just feeling really alone. my family is there for me, but they'll just tell me that kendon is right. that i should find friends of my own. but i don't have any. im not sure i even want any. i need to know my feelings are okay.

i used to worry that kendon would turn 40, have a midlife crisis and leave me. now i worry that this is it.
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